I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
so...he totally just used scissors to cut up the weed. a wet paper towel to moisten the blunt....and a blow dryer so it wouldn't be wet. this dude either has the worst case of OCD or has the potential to be the next martha stewart.
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
Meghan got a job at the bar. We're now morally obligated to drink. Is this what dreams are made of?
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
Best part? I know that the likelyhood of this turning into an intimate relationship is like 4.25%
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
Listen I just pulled white girl hair out of my underwear. This has got to stop. I was wearing pants all night.
I called plan parenthood at 407 am... Guess I was thinking ahead
Did you really think putting a napkin over your head would make you giving him a bj less obvious?
I asked him if we could have sex sometime and he sent me a three page long text about his feelings for me. that's the only possible situation I've ever run into where a "k" response would have been more appropriate.
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
Same way I cope with everything else. With dildos, dunkin and depeche mode
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