you keep denying me to hang out, should i take a hint?
you keep asking me after midnight, should i take a hint?
Just saw some girl biking on campus with a babyseat on the front. Baby included. Do you know how many points that'd be worth?
I'd just like to give a shout out to jesus and plan b for making this day possible.
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
I've awoken at 3am again, in a night terror, just thinking about how big his dick was.
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
I feel like all of the victims from Seven. Best birthday weekend ever.
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
Dude I woke up and he was pissing in the corner on his clothes... I called his name an he replied " I got this" and continued.
Have you picked out a bathroom stall in which to fuck? Since you've got all this free time before her plane lands...
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
Randomize
