my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
It was annoying to wait 4 hour for him to be inside for 5 seconds.
he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
One reason I don't come to Portland. I saw 8 guys I have had sex with last night. At the same party.
By 8 I mean 9.
And by 9 I mean 10.
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
this is random but who was banging in the shower in our condo?
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
Just had an epiphany about how to drink more effectively in the shower. While walking across campus carrying a Franzia bag like Santa
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
Please write a memoir and name it "Game Boy and Dick Stuff"
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
Lol I'm just saying its too early for your penis, I can accept it but at a more decent hour
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
Randomize
