when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
i DID NOT walk around with my knees bent and my hands behind my back with long spandex and underarmour pretending to be Apollo Ono
I guess on the plus side everyone really, really enjoyed my nipple clamps
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
That's unfortunate. Distance can be a stoner's greatest enemy.
You make it sound like a battle for Middle Earth.
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
Now I can't unsee my hot boss's under-boobs. Monday will be awkward.
Pics or STFU
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
It's like I'm getting a welcome home parade with sex!
Really though. It's your life, live it how you want
And I do mostly. Which is why I'm now drunk in my room writing erotica
Eh, my puke tasted like lemonade, so not too bad
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
Randomize
