"Is there dairy in semen?" was in her recent google searches...so she's lactose intolerant AND a slut.
He asked me to grab his balls and yell "thats a spicy meat-a-ball" Last time I do requests.
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
I misunderstood what a furry was. Come pick me up.
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
Got my parents to pick me up from the party, take me to the bar and buy all my drinks, then drop me off at my booty calls house.
Sounds good. Look at us. Planning sex like proper adults.
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
This girls ass literally just fell out of her jeans in front on me on the escalator. Going commando on a Monday morning is a bold move.
Randomize
