I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
i just realized that fran drescher is the 90's version of a guidette.
im celebrating the fact lent is over and i can give blow jobs again.
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!
She needs to go. She is like the Yoko Ono of our group.
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
ugh i want to get waxed but I’m afraid. my vagina has had enough trauma this week, i don’t know if I can put her thru any more.
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
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