I thought she would fill the void you created. Turns out she thought I just wanted to fill hers.
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she can't stop having the shits.
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
I found what appears to be half an E pill and part of a tooth in my pocket this morning
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
Honestly, you can’t tell the whole sorority he has a donkey dick and expect that no one would sleep with him after you broke up
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