do you remember how we all fit in that bathtub?
tequila
I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
Just ignore his excessive use of exclamation points and be happy this one is of age.
You fucker.
Why must everything this weekend have to do with something going into or coming out of my vagina?
I feel as bad as you right now. I'm about to use one girls car to go see another one
Fuck ya. But normally I drove one girls car picking up a different girl while texting another girl lol
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Randomize
