If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
I woke up to him peeling the skin on my stomach from my sunburn. If he wasn't so good in bed I'd be a little freaked out.
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
Night is still young. Puking guts out part of it just began
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
I think you are the only one slutty enough and evil enough for the job. Just go in and blue ball him. He broke my nose in Middle school. He deserves this.
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
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