Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
Worst ten minutes of my life, it's was like trying to put a marshmallow in a piggy bank....
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
We play this game where we catch up on what we missed over five years of not talking to eachother, then we have sex like nothing ever happened.
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
You seemed underwhelmed by my smooth, smooth ass
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
lol hangovers are for mortals.
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
soo... how was my night?
Dad danced on top of the bar with me last night. And has a video of me doing a beer bong.
Tequila shots and throwing it at a bell.
This is dumb. I'll keep doing it.
Randomize
