she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
put me on a leash or i'm going to fuck someone
Very impressive. My GPA is the same amount of orgasms I can offer tonight (valid only tonight): 3.5
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
Like for real, is your junk ok? I have to look after my investments.
only i would grind with someone to harp music at a gay wedding
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
After I'd been making out with her for a good 15 minutes some guy yelled "grab this chicks beer she needs both hands!" And he was right I did need both: god bless jello wrestling.
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
They had like literally all the dildos. It looked like a seance for dick. I left the apartment and haven't been back.
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
He called me dainty, then fucked me like the Viking God he is.
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
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