dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
All I'm saying, is that being compared to a Muppet is not the end of the world.
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
pretty sure i saw you masturbating on chatroulette a minute ago. yes, i can recognize your cock
I THOUGHT I SAW YOU
So. Much. Sex. I feel like i ran a marathon then someone kicked me in the vagina. Soo worth it
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
Due to this morning's events my new porn name is Reepa Nipplov.
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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