Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
You claimed your dick was a divining rod, spun in a circle 3 times and walked into the bar you stopped in front of...consequently there was a bikini shoot going on
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
I just had nipple jewelry returned to me in the law library.
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.
Yeah, the email that I was sending to get an Escort for the weekend, copied and pasted to my boss, that should be interesting conversation, when I come back from Christmas vacation break.
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
I do not recommend playing football on LSD like at all
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
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