Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
So maybe putting the blacklight above the futon wasn't the best idea...
most desperate stoner moment might have been when we filled the bong up with pond water
desperate times, desperate measures
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
Eh, I don't question what my penis likes. It just does what it does.
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
Randomize
