dude, my own friends sent me home from a party last night. real cool assholes. real cool
I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
I am midnight drunk by noon
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
He said he's was gunna give me some pain meds. I'm not sure what they are but I just gave him a thumbs up
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
If fixing it is ignoring it, and getting naked. Then yes we fixed it.
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
last night we watched this really loud chick try and pick up this smoking french guy who's english was sooo bad. she finally pointed at her beer and then her vagine
gross
like you've never done an interperative dance for sex, please
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
Randomize
