I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
as soon as you compare a person to an animal, all sexual interest is out the window
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
glow-in-the-dark stars on his ceiling from '98 totally make blowing him more romantic.
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
whoever set the energy saving light timer in the lobby bathroom cleraly has no concept how long a work dump takes
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
I really enjoy how cavalier you're being about your chlamydia
hes like bread. how could bread be dangeous
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
I don't want to just hook up with random dudes. I've had enough bad sex to know that it's not worth hooking up with strangers
It's not?
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
Randomize
