they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
I just masturbated to the audio from my psych lecture . . . this screwing my prof fantasy is getting serious.
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
When you start quoting save the last dance you need to stop drinking
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
These welts and bruises from letting gay boys whip my thighs last night are a clear indication i should lay off the tequila.
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
Well, I just bought plan b with the tips I made from the job that I slept with my manager. So yeah, that's my life. How's yours?
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
You were throwing up into a trash can full of used condoms. I had to intervine.
Randomize
