My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
No matter how fun it seemed the night before you will always regret taking those pictures, you will always regret eating as much as you did, but you will never regret the great lengths you had to got to get those bruises.
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
We got to the party at eleven, and the host was already in the hospital from being stabbed. And she brought the stabber home with us when we left.
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A nice make out session never hurt anyone. Plus he's a pilot, so he'll know the safety procedures for when the night crashes and burns.
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
I'm convinced that the Christmas lights in my room contributed to the great sex.
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
I'm high and I have a consensual booty call on the way and just thought that it was a good time to let you know that I think that you are a stellar person.
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i feel like spreading the word of drunken joy.
Was he a virgin!? DID YOU TAKE A GUY'S VIRGINITY ON MY FLOOR!?
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
I just wanna be naked and go frolic in the snow
be the chaos you wish to see in the world...
i'm trying to figure out how to respond to that in text
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