phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
imagine if we didn have a dick. we would be so much more productive
She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
That reminds me...we need to get swords
Just threw the poptarts. Sgits boutta go Down. 1 liter of wine
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
Had sex and ran 2.8 miles all before 7:30am. This is going to be a very productive Monday.
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
you can't let guys come on your chest and then hog my blanket
I just really wish I could go back and unsex him. Waste of my vagina.
It will be the shitshow of all shitshows.
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
Randomize
