remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
i don't think you understand, blowjobs are like flowers for guys.
My BOSS just pulled out a box of Christmas stuff labeled reefs.
Gotta love hanging with Nat. By the time guys realize she isnt going home with them, they've spent enough money and time to think I'm a good idea.
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
I showed that dick picture that your date texted you to everyone because you passed out and left your phone unattended. Your fault. Plus his cock was big so his fault too.
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
I'm sitting in the breakroom facing a very large sign that says "inappropriate workplace behaviors", and i can't help but feel like it is directed at me
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
Any chance I can buy my dignity back with $45?
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
I stopped hooking up with him and ran to the bathroom to throw up. He saw me throwing up and it made him throw up
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
Randomize
