I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
if I was a wizard from waverly place we wouldn't b having these problems
Just turned my microbiology homework into a drinking game. The words are getting blurry but I think we're really bonding.
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
im trying to find a facebook picture of him that doesnt make me regret sleeping with him. its not working
so, does the "dick the size of your forearm" thing run in the family then?
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
You just kept shouting "I AM AN ADULT!" until he agreed to carry you home on his shoulders.
Doap. Just bring some lube and a slingshot. Not sure y we need the slingshot.
pizza hut and my weed lady just showed up at the same time. I feel 22 again.
I love you. Go after that dick
Randomize
