Marg and I just meaowed the nat anthem. I was tenor.
'm tripping baaaaaaaaaaaaaaas
So it wasn't until I came that he pointed out the glow in the dark plastic star still stuck to my forehead. Fun times.
vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
I honestly wish you had parked the car in the terminal garage and fucked me in the backseat but I guess I should be more forward
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
If I die, let him know that his penis was the last penis I saw. And I'm happy about that.
Just fyi there is a naked girl somewhere in your house. I woke up and she was gone, definitely left her clothes tho
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
It baffles me why I still wear white underwear...
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