Just fell off a train. Bad.
Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
he sat in the bathtub shirtless yelling in gibberish for 40 minutes. funniest. stoner. ever.
It's amazing how much better one feels once you put something in your vagina.
He thinks MY vagina is tight. That's saying something.
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
Oh boy...do i want the 'something you can tell your mom in 10 yrs' version or the 'Im gonna call you a whore but be proud' version?
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
well I was pissed. first he yelled at me for having my own condoms, then he got mad when they didn't fit him. Dude, I only fuck magnum men.
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
My skirt was too short for the church and I brought my flask to the Scrooge play. God bless us, everyone!
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
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