I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
the choice between paying your electricity bill and getting herpes medicine is a tough one.
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
He cried & told me I reminded him off his mother. I don't want to talk about it. I want to drink about it.
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
I literally woke up walked into the bathroom, threw up and died this morning. Then went to my 8am.
He drove over an hour to get this shit done. I guess i win the golden vagina award tonight
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
What, That's like a total 7 inches of cock and 6 are from Joe. Don't be mad at me because you had the lamest orgy ever.
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