if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
it was terrible. i could've done a better job by myself.
Her vagina should come with caution tape.
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
This vodka tastes like I'm not going to class tomorrow.
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
i woke up soaking wet with shard of glass imbedded in my flesh dangerously close to my dick what happend?!!
BEER BOTTLE SWORD FIGHTHING!!
I'm not even pretending to study anymore. I'm straight up sleeping in the library
Yeah started playing at the wedding last night, when the line. "Ludacris fills cups like DD" he starts pointing at my tits right in front of his grandparents.
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
Randomize
