12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
that girl looks like she smells like hot dog water...
I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party
I wonder what blackout Alex would think of her?
probably "functioning vagina, must touch"
We just broke into a lion king sing along. Understanding is not possible.
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
I told him I was going to sit on his face after I got out of the shower, he threw up the arm boners and yelled "STEVE HOLT!!" I might actually stop sleeping with other dudes.
She's passed out laying in the middle of the street. Cars are honking at her and going around her body. We need to stop playing BONECRUSHER.
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
I just saw a guy walking up the stairs with his dick out his pants. I let him know, and he just looked down in shock, laughed, and continued walking up the stairs.
Randomize
