I walked out of the bathroom and both of you girls were giving the gay guy head. I was like, "laaaterrr."
heey were did you guys go? last time i remember seeing you i was throwing up in the fountain
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
HE HAS A CHODE. LIFE IS NOT GOING TO BE EASY FOR HIM.
He's hinting that I'm starting to be kicked out of their blunt rides, I can feel it.
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
its one thing to be single and another thing to be single and then have your profile picture be of you and the cat
your picture is with misty too!!
I AM SINGLE BY CHOICE
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
Some people are good at football, some people are good at painting, and he's good at being a fuckboy. Everyone has their talents.
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
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