Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
Cant wait to drunkenly tell by kids that i banged their aunt katie in a weird threesome
I believe nudity is frowned upon at that establishment
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
I'm covered in glow paint and I can't find my shirt. So, successful night
What's an appropriate outfit for wearing to hangout with a girl you've talked to once, and had a 4way with?
Wow two curved penises in one weekend. I feel like this may be good luck. Like finding a four leaf clover
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
Is it possible for mice to climb? If so I think mice are climbing into my bed in the night and playing with my hair..
Can we be gay Bert and Ernie for Halloween?
Randomize
