Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
My RA just tried to write me up for having sex too loudly during quiet hours.
Now that world cup is done, funneling out of a vuvuzela has lost its fun
When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
about to tell this girl that sh'es my teenage dream. you have 15.358s to stop me.
He sent me a pic and IT CURVED OUT OF THE PICTURE! Curved. Out. Of. The. Picture.
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
He's hot though. It's not like he JUST got out of prison. That was like months ago
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
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