I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
You sent her a pic of your dick with 'guess what you cant have anymore' written on it with a marker.
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
Currently in the bathroom stall of a gay bar in new haven giving myself an anti throw up pep talk
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
The yoga party turned into an underwear party because we are all incompetent when it comes to tying bed sheets.
This has been a Party Success Story
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
I'm gonna go ahead and say I love our drinking habits but anytime we roundhouse a 750 of Schnapps on the way to a non competitive bowling league we might have problems
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
ANIME MEN ARE MAKING ME QUESTION MY SEXUALITY AGAIN
Guy in my class today said, "I'm pretty sure you think about beer 95% of the time."
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
