This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
I don't know how many crown and cokes he went through but I know it was more that I have fingers. We are never leaving Texas.
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
Saturday at 4 is jello wrestling sponsored by the senior class council. That's why my school is awesome. Boom.
Not sure if it is a new high or new low, but i left a basket on the porch of the sorority I woke up at. It had a description of the Minnie Mouse I woke up next to, and Plan B.
No he can't help me find his house he is strapped to a stretcher facing the opposite direction
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
We're listening to drake in the middle of the woods and smoking two joints at once...my life is complete.
How do I let my trainer know I'm only at the gym so I can get in more intense sex positions?
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
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