I dont know why I dont listen to you more often. He wont stop texting me. And his signature is "dancing with no panties on"
In The Air Tonight was playing in the dentist's office. Had to stop the cleaner to do the drums.
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
All I know is she walked in crying with a bag of limes and a bottle of tequila and has been locked in her room blasting lil wayne ever since.
She makes him look at her naked pics before she sends them to someone she's actually going to fuck. I think this makes him mayor of the friend zone.
We smoked a bowl in front of the abortion clinic shouting Obama at the protestors.
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
If my one night stand asked me to move in with him right after does it still count as a one nighter?
Last thing I remember at your house last night is your dad leaning on the beer pong table and saying "you guys can fucking party"
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
I kept my extra Molly pill in my wallet in the change part, that's also where I keep my body jewelry while I'm working. The nose ring punctured the pill essentially coating itself in MDMA. My nose ring is back in my nose. This could be entertaining
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