Reminder- he's a douche bag. A big one.
i kinda do this "flirt with girls and pretend to be a hot white guy named chris" thing
then they high fived as they party boyed me. I was a policewoman sandwhich. I love you halloween.
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
Today's forecast is horny with strong chance of booty calls. Low of Craigslist cruising, and a high of climaxing in a stranger's bed.
Tell Taylor to rock on. Tell her she is so beautiful that the sun shines down on her face and shows her beauty. Tell her to live on, like Martin Luther King. He'll never die. He's living his dreams.
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
With great liquor, comes great irresponsibility. Remind me of this night tomorrow.
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
She was screaming and crying about how she couldn't find her middle finger. Then, she threw her body on to the pavement. Thats the last time we buy a freshmen a handle.
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
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