there is a homeless man oan crack poledancing on a fence... now hes humping it...
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
What do you mean when you say no pre-party sex?
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
P.S. I just made up pleasure scepter for the purpose of that last message.
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
Please make sure you have solid number of friends around you that wouldn't be afraid to break a bottle and stab someone. If you're planning on drinking all of that, you're going to need a safety net.
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
the only thing she has in her apt so far is toilet paper and shot glasses. you can see where the priorities lie.
My professor just told my lab he could drive us around town in his 1991 Lincoln towncar limo for our bar crawl. This just keeps getting better!
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
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