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I seriously fake cumming more than i poop.
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
I am planning my day around naps and lesbians.
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
He also gave me two gold stars for sex. On my nipples.
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
Indeed. If boner pill commercials have taught us anything, it's the importance of waiting until the moment is right.
Where else would I get life advice?
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
I went to watch porn and there's already 3 Santa videos. Happy November 1st.
I'm bleeding and have questions
Randomize
