tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
I think this dress is screaming I want a birthday 3some with two moderately attractive guys. I hope.
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
When they saw it was the 7th inning of the baseball game one took off running for the beer stand while his friend is yelling "BUY THE KEG"!
now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
well you did quote socrates while playing beer pong and then proceeded to fall down
I am watching Wayne Gretzky and Alexander oveckhin play video games for charity. What is life right now.
Randomize
