Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
We've shared an experience, my friend. I, too, have talked on the phone with a parent while giving a handjob
Even though he was watching you pee on his bedroom floor, you kept denying it and saying he was dreaming
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
i think he spiked my sandwich with a viagra
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
For the record you were pretending you were in a rocket when you drove from wawa to your house. So like 2 minutes of me listening to you making rocket sounds over the phone lmfao
This heat and humidity do not mix with these braless DDs and a tank top at a BBQ.
I have visions of guys in cheetah costumes with suits over it pissing on a children how are you
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
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