You stole her cigarette screaming that you were going to stop the air cancer from getting everyone.
at least i was looking out for everybody
just threw up into the cup of Gatorade I was hoping would settle my stomach. thanks again, alcohol.
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
He kept waking up periodically throughtout the night to bit my ear and pass back out.
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
I'm spoon feeding myself tequila for breakfast, should we skip class today?
its cute though when you google his name more than one mug shot comes up from different states
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
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