the only thing i knew about you is that u dated jordan and were potentially interested in a threesome
When I asked if she spit or swallow she replied "I never learned how to spit"
I got a 69.7 in accounting. I have this whole doing the bare minimum down to a science
I just had sex in a moon bounce. It is all down hill from here.
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
Oh dear. If we're both hearing alien sounds then perhaps they're real.
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
I screamed "You look like a guy I've fucked!" to your brother at a party... I have some explaining to do.
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
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