the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.
Never visiting again. You guys drink like immortals
It was a karaoke bar combined with a liquor store and had a donkey pen in the back.
Keeping it classy as usual I see
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
I'm not surprised. You have the libido of an Italian soccer team.
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
I don't remember... but I heard a cop threatened to pepper spay my dick
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
Randomize
