She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
found a new level of pathetic. i watched a guy pick out cigarette butts from a jar that weren't completely finished. make sure you go somewhere in life.
doooooooo herrrrrrrrr
I'm out of practice. be my yoda
put your penis in her you must.
Even my psychiatrist thinks I should fuck the married guy.
I have surprise drugs for everyone
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
Yeah just had sex and grub hub came right after he did. I’d say it’s a win.
He's on the porch naked. Help.
I woke up next to a Big Mac box.. And had no sheets or clothes on. The night was a success I think.
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
He literally shouted this Viking war cry when he cam. Then as we laid there he sang me the most beautiful rendition of " When Irish Eyes are Smiling". I've never been more confused.
Randomize
