you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
we made malted milkshakes. malt as in malt liqour.
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
You having your own car has severely reduced the amount of blowjobs I get.
My orifices are off limits as long as you have that stache. Your call.
You guys are like the reason that ketamine is a controlled substance.
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
duddde i wasn't even home last night and someone elses clothes are on my floor and there glow sticks everywhere?!
Interlocking vagina powers go!!'
Oh god, your drunk again aren't you?
Randomize
