yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
Pappa wants mamma naked
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
I am making pancakes and watching Spongebob Squarepants. My life is a waste of youth.
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
tuscaloosa is terrifying
like people here are just empty shells of drugs and sin
there is no mercy here
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
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