piano lessons. No girlfriend. What's up.
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
that was the first time i tried it. why is it all sticky? its like somebody threw a glue bottle at my face.
Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
I don't remember what your face looks like..
I don't remember your face either, just your dick.
The bar I'm at just passed out smores to everyone. I don't know what it has to do with cinco de mayo but I'm down.
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
You were outside the bathroom the gay guy was puking in, screaming "IT GETS BETTER!" over and over again. Good message, poor execution.
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
I've lost every trace of self esteem. Even sneaking a BJ in the coffee room has lost it's luster.
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
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