you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
i think she is mad at you for trying to take a shit in the back seat of her car
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
We drove past his house blaring "Like a virgin" in the middle of the day. pretty sure he heard.
Just walk-of-shame'd past fifteen little girls at summer camp. Take a good look girls, I am you in twelve years.
walking back to the dorm.. she is flashing evryone, demanding beads. we tried to stop her and now she just keeps yelling "Bourbon st bitchesss"... you get her tomorrow
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
Remember when we were coked out at that house and we were trying to meditate in the bathroom? Who's house were we at?
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
yeah I had to wear a fucking diaper from work home so I didn't get the shitty squirts all over my cars seats it was fucked
I told her my hands felt like they touched the sun, never been that stoned before
He had a small dick and screamed "I will kill you if you don't get hard" to it in German...awkward time to have to explain I speak German too...
This is why you need to stop sleeping with freshmen.
Setting myself up for trouble? Yes. But getting laid is a lot more important at this time.
Randomize
