There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
Huh. I think I went to highschool with the hooker my neighbor just brought home.
Ya I don't think I'm going anywhere, a cum towel, beer, and Vicodin was just exchanged in our white elephant present game
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
if anyone knows where my shirt is please let me know and if you know why I don't have my own shirt please also let me know. also do any of you know why I'm missing a bra wire?
My one regret (beside the inevitable shit storm that followed) is that now I can't fuck his cute friend.
I took the pregnancy test for shits and giggles, but neither shits nor giggles were had.
Hey I'm coming to get my gin do you want a good luck blowjob for your exam tmrw
She asked me if I would fuck her with my storm trooper mask on
So I've already made 5 bad decisions today, wyd?
I'm really busy with my period
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