There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
we may have ended up at a gay bar on accident. we're gonna work this to get free drinks.
I'll just get wasted and start throwing myself at men. Someone's bound to take the bait
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
oh my god. separately texting an Allie and an Ally while drunk is hard, and I'm climbed 1/2 way up a bridge pier.
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
I just thought about how many drinks I had last night and threw up.
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
Molly I still can't believe u puked in that guys hands and still got laid
I've had more orgasms than showers this week.
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
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