is wine microwaveable?
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
The straight guy here is hot. He described himself as Christian grey without the money and my vagina fell out of my body
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
Uh oh we had sex and I don't think I like him anymore help
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
No, I barely made it home last nite. Kept telling cab driver I live across the street from Susan Sarandon?? Thank god her coop addy is posted online.
Randomize
