where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
I just smoked a bowl with the lady who runs the special olympics. Your move.
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
We had sex and then I offered him a cookie...while he was still inside of me. Basically he's in love
I do NOT want my proposal story to start "...he was peeing on me and then..."
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
with the way the semester is going, being a stripper is starting to sound better and better everyday
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
You start to question your morals when you wake up at 430 and there's three people naked...that you don't no
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
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