is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
Nope. Can't afford girlfriends. Still looking for the 25 year old bisexual tripled who owns a brewery or a casino.. the search continues....
until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
These are all good points. But, I think your under estimating what it's like to be held upside down for a standing 69
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
Trust no bitch in laser tag. Not a single one.
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
Randomize
