It's not real sex if he's just convulsing inside of you.
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
Saying you want a bj does not count as saying you wanna see me btw.
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
Struggs. It's also 90 degrees out but I'm not sure I can feel heat or cold any more. Too hungover.
I woke up wearing a lax pinnie under my shirt, a triathlon medal, and a dora backpack... I think I had fun
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
pizza hut and my weed lady just showed up at the same time. I feel 22 again.
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
Randomize
