Cold hands, warm shart.
You dropped me off at the wrong girl's house.
There's no such thing as a "wrong girl" make it happen.
alright see you in the morning.
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
judging by the mobile uploads you added of me last night, we cant keep living this way.
Please find an outlet that isn't stripping or getting drunk and arrested
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
well hes been the bathroom for like 15 mins so he either feels comfortable enough to puke/ shit in my apartment or he escaped out the window
I probably won't go. Last time I got drunk with those guys I just started demanding people let me touch their beards.Then I mocked everyone who didn't have facial hair.
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
But I did discover that he's totally okay with going down on me while I eat taco bell so that's a plus, right?
COCAINE AND SUSPENSFUL BBC SHOWS DO NOT WORK.
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
He said 'I really struggle with the sin of lust' then we proceeded to have sex. So I guess it was a perfectly executed Catholic pick up line?
Randomize
