You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
I made him sleep with a condom on and i passed out on the carpet with only a bra on.
I do remember getting hit in the face by an ugly one because she thought I was blowing on her butthole.
I'm not sure...it could be the pasta I ate from her sink, the dominoes, or just the alcohol. Or a wicked combination of all 3.
Oh and jess is gonna pee in our guest bedroom to mark her territory.
I think the fact that I shit my pants, threw away my underwear in a frat bathroom, lost my socks down a drain in the front yard and still got laid... deserves some sort of a victory drink for myself or a blowjob for him since he was such a good sport.
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
I don't like sad things. I do like drinking though
I told him i turn boys gay hoping that would scare him off. Finally i found a way to take advantage of my disability.
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
Randomize
