theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
Im sending over a girl who thinks youre in the next twilight movie
your the best winggirl ever
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
I just saw the list where the U.S. doesn't even rank in the top 10 in drinking countries. I know its Tuesday but....its for America
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
I didn't ask to see his penis, it was an ambush. Impressive though
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
Come eat Chinese buffet and watch us trip on acid. It'll be fun.
I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
Randomize
