i will soon be in a relationship on fb
you!?
me and your mom. i mean, lisa.
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
Taped crackers to the wall. Sat I'n the dryer. Bobby had to pull me out by my hair. No more.
Take in how we used all the shot glasses in the bar in less than an hour
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
You peed on someones bathroom floor while saying people are rude for not flushing
Mark just took 50mg Viagra. Tonight should be interesting for the neighbors.
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
I woke up with what appeared to be LSD in my pocket. Know anything about this?
So I just went to clothing optional bar
HOW DID I LET MYSELF GET SUCKED IN HE HAS A PENIS FOR PETE'S SAKE.
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
Fucked him in a graveyard. Need plan b.
Randomize
