when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
after he fucked me and not his girlfriend, i told him to be a gentleman and close his eyes as i ran to the bathroom naked. so sweet.
your definition of "gentleman" is so absurd.
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
Y'know, "Class cancelled because Professor is stuck in Mexico," is not something I expected in college. Let alone, "Professor is stuck in Mexico, AGAIN."
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
The only thing I remember is doing a toddlers and tiaras dance routine onstage. I fucking CURTSIED.
OMG stop. Pretty feet? Sparkle baby!
Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
Basically she credited me and my dick pic for boosting the moral of all the Safeway workers
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
This is a hangover from hell. Delivered by the devil himself.
Randomize
