Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
yeah my parents were only ten feet away and we somehow managed to do it in five different positions without them noticing
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
Desperately trying not to throw up over the side of the ferry back to CT. Can't be the first one of the season.
Where is a good place to buy a New Year's outfit that acknowledges I don't have tits but screams I suck dick like a champ?
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
I only want to come over for sex and blueberry pancakes
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
I sucked his dick by a creek, how romantic.
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
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