You up for the gym tonight after work?
I'm up for a light workout and a nice yog.
Fair enough, I'm gonna hit it hard today.
Chris Brown style, or less felonious?
Haha, all felonious.
Rosebud was a fucking sled. Gay.
Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
pretty sure mid blowjob I told him I needed to call you and ask you if this was whore-ish. He hid my phone from me.
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
Your two fuck buddies playing ping pong together. HOW. ADORABLE!
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
He passed out with the ball in his hand so no one could play beer pong without him.
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
I woke up with his condom in my mouth. I actually use them now you should be proud of me.
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
I could hear it slapping against his thighs under the robe!!!!!!!!! You are a lucky girl!
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