On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
By the way, your roommate is right. His penis is much bigger than yours.
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
Nyquil jello-shots aiding in health and happiness
i have this gut feeling friday is going to be interesting.\nAnd by interesting I mean I feel like im going to get punched in the face by his girlfriend.
There's always one sober annoying person at a party. I hate responsible people. I just wanted to show everyone my nipples. There cute. She didn't have to stop me
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
You just can't come from being "the girl who shit her pants."
can anyone on this campus do anything sober?
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
another side note: i'm officially selling my underwear on the internet
Just flash them and yell "JUDGE THESE BITCHES"
Randomize
