Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
You missed lesbians having sex in the bathroom and the whole bar clapping for them. I had to do recon. It was amazing
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
Is it cheating if its a threesome? This is more like a party game than infidelity.
FUCK YOU. AH. FUCK BOTH OF US MORE BOOZE.
MAS TEQUILA.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
He just had a handle of vodka with ice in it yelling at people hot august night mother fuckaaaaa and was pouring it on his face
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
But wait then while giving his drive thru order he goes in mid sentence, "Hey baby it's Travis remember me?"
I just saw a kid on iowa campus story that looked like the guy i made out with on spring break.
Morning fuck and a coffee. ARE YOU READY TO CONQUER THE GALAXY WITH ME??
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
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