I see an opportunity for you to use your nakedness to cure my boredom.
Intervention is following me on twitter.
wow.
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
I just learned in bio that our sole purpose for life is to have sex.. so your high number is acceptable. its actually lacking.
He said that if more girls show up hes not going to ask ages... Spoken like a true sex offender
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
Well I just put wine in my tea
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
She thought I was dancing but I just couldn't catch my balance for 11 blocks.
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
Randomize
